** This is 'Part 1' of my life story. You can find the rest here: r/ShatteredReality **
March 4th 1981 I come into this world, and right off the bat there is an issue. My fingers didn't form correctly and I have fused bone instead of cartilage in a few spots, so they don't bend in some areas where there are suppose to be joints. This is nothing more then cosmetic damage though, as I can grip and hold things perfectly fine...and there isn't much that can be done about it anyway. My parents give me a name with the worst initials imaginable, and it would serve as a kind of curse for me...those initials are = E.W.W. (First name Eric). I have no memory of the first 4-5 years, but I do remember Elementary (Catholic) School, where I went from kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, and half of 3rd grade. All I remember about Kindergarten is nap time, and the foam pads we use to lay on.
When I got to first grade (87/88), I met my first Bully. The school day was about to end, and we were lined up at the door waiting for the bell when this red headed kid punched me really hard in the arm. I remember crying, and the teacher (a nun) walked over to me with an angry look and grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the line and yelled at me to behave and be quiet. A later incident (it could have been a day later, or a month later, I'm not sure) involved the red head and a friend of his with black hair. I was walking home and they came up to me and were saying mean things and shoved me into a telephone pole. After that, the kid with the black hair would be mean to me all the time, and other kids started to realize how easy it was because I was quiet and shy, and so I became this target. On the playground behind the school, no one wanted to play with me, so I would usually just wonder around looking at the chalk drawings on the ground. There was a fence right along the Delaware river, I would hang out over there just watching the water move past.
I did have a few friends though, one was named Chris. We would hang out all the time after school playing Atari and NES video games. We weren't friends at school though, he acted as though he didn't know me. I remember my mom once asked him something about it and he said "I cant be friends with him at school because no one likes him and they wouldn't like me" (something along those lines). I said "Yeah mom he would get picked on too" like it was just reality and normal to me. (and in hindsight, I don't blame Chris at all). My other friends were 3 kids that lived next door to me, they all went to a different school so they didn't see how others treated me and therefor were actually good friends...and I suppose I got along with my brother those early years as well. 2 houses down from me, lived a girl who was about 12-14 years old, and she was pretty mean and nasty. One time she shoved my face into a fence, and she must have got in a lot of trouble for it because I never saw her again after that.
By the time I got to 3rd grade (89/90), I was beginning to hate school. I didn't like the uncomfortable uniforms, I didn't understand the religious stuff. I remember a story about Jesus standing by a well, watching people drop money in. A rich guy came up and put hundreds of gold coins into the well and smiled at Jesus. Jesus was not impressed and waved the man away. A poor women came up next, with only 2 pennies to her name. She tossed them both in and Jesus hugged her...I remember thinking "Why couldn't the rich guy give some money to the poor people, and why are the poor people suppose to give their last pennies to jesus/god/the well?" I spent weeks thinking about that and trying to make sense of it...but, its religion, and there is no logic with religion. Sometime during 3rd grade, we moved to *****, and I got a new start...
3rd grade (1990) at the new Elementary School was ok. I liked that I didn't have to wear a uniform and the playground at the school was nice. I remember Mr Bl***, one of the cooler teachers I had. He took us Whale Watching, and was always nice and patient. During a field trip a kid choked on something and Mr Bl*** (who apparently didn't know the 'Heimlich') slapped the kid on the back super hard until he spit up the food.
4th grade (90/91) was tough. I tried to make friends on the playground, but other kids would always react to me like I was annoying them whenever I tried to join a game of kickball or tag. Also, I met the biggest Bullies of them all, Dan and Tim (I am holding back saying there full names). These guys would pick on me constantly. Once, during a rare time when I got into a game of kickball, it was my turn and I was at "bat"...I kicked the ball and ran, and when I looked up, Dan was standing just before first base waiting for me to run past (he wasn't in the game we were playing so he shouldn't have been there)...I felt this panic come over me and I tripped and got tagged out and my team was mad. If I hadn't tripped, I know he would have shoved me or something. That's just one of many memories that are embedded in my head of Dan and Tim, they stalked me and watched me and took every opportunity to bully me over the next 8 years.
5th grade (91/92) is where I began to feel anxiety constantly. I would get up every day feeling uneasy, go to school and feel nervous and scared most of the day, then come home and play video games and feel better until the next morning (without doing my homework). I started having body odor this year, and was teased a lot for smelling bad. I didn't know why I smelled, didn't know about deodorant at the time. That's something a parent is suppose to teach their child, but nope not mine. I'm not sure if they just didn't notice the BO, or just ignored it. Either way, I was sent off to school smelling bad and being bullied constantly. Teachers saw kids teasing me about my smell, even telling them to stop being mean, but did they question why the teasing was happening in the first place? Near the end of that year, I started pretending to be sick all the time so that I didn't have to go to school. My mom fought with me every day, but I would insist I was sick. She would make me go to school 4/5 of those days, but she usually gave in and let me stay home at least once a week.
The BO was a problem outside of school too. I had this friend named Dominic, I met him around 90/91 (4th grade), and we hung out a lot. I remember being at a roller skating rink, it was me, Dom, and 2 of his friends that I didn't know. There were a lot of girls around, and he was talking to a bunch of them, and so were his friends. I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable around girls at this point in life, and so I wasn't able to talk to any of them, but its not like they were trying to talk to me either. At some point we started shooting pool on one of the 2 tables they had, and I'm taking a shot when I feel something touch my shoulder and I turn to look, and I see this girls nose near my left armpit. My turning around causes her to jump back and trip and fall to the ground (because she had skates on). Her friend helps her up and they both smile at me and skate away. As I turn to look at Dom, I see him and his friends hiding there faces while laughing...I realized immediately what had happened. They told those girls to come over and smell me, and it was just a big joke and fun time for all of them. Meanwhile, I am left feeling like a piece of shit anywhere I go. In and out of school. I started to hate being outside of my house.
6th grade (92/93) only got worse (by this point I was using deodorant, so at least I didn't smell anymore), now I was in Middle School with a bunch of new kids from other elementary schools around the area. On the first day, we all gathered in the Cafeteria to get schedules and be assigned to a homeroom, and I met my 3rd worst nightmare after Dan and Tim...I'm just gonna call him "Holmes". Holmes and this other guy Mike, walk up to me and another kid I was sitting with, and they say "I heard you had something to tell me" or something like that, and I'm like "huh? no" and Holmes says "if you are talkin trash were gonna need to settle it now" and I'm like "I haven't said anything" so he walked away, but he could tell how scared I was. Before he started being a bully, I actually made an attempt to be friends with Holmes. I saw how popular he was, and wanted to try and be part of that group. I saw him do air boxing with a friend of his once, so the next day during gym class, we were all walking down a path to go to the School Track, and I started air boxing at him and he seemed freaked out, and his friends laughed a little. His one friend behind him said something like "Is he trying to fight you?" and Holmes was like "Nah hes just playing around". After that I thought Holmes liked me, so I would insert myself into the group and jump into conversations. I'm not sure how long that went on, a few weeks maybe, and then one day these 2 girls come over to me and say "Holmes doesn't like you, so stop hanging around him" and walk away. It was very blunt and straight to the point, and I bet they never felt a moment of regret about it...So I stopped and went back to keeping to myself.
This was also the year I met my best friend, Brian. He was 2 years younger then me so he had no preconceived notions about me like the kids in my grade did. We would hang out after school all the time, playing video games, watching TV, and making our own stupid home movies. At school I was miserable and stressed, but at home I was happy. I remember that year the Math teacher had us doing this game where 2 students would stand up, she would ask a math problem, and the first one to answer could stay standing while the other person sat down. Dan was in this class, so I would lose on purpose every time it was my turn, but of course I got into a situation where I had to go up against him anyway. To stand up at the same time as him with all these other kids looking on is a very strong embedded negative memory I have, just the fear and anxiety I felt,...it was horrible and unfair, especially since I made myself look stupid in order to avoid being in that situation. Near the end of 6th grade, I knew this kid Brett that was in one of my classes, we use to trade video games throughout the year. I borrowed a handheld tiger electronic game from him and lost it, and he was mad about it (understandably so). One day in Gym class, Holmes, and 4-5 of his friends, corner me near a bathroom stall, and Holmes says "I heard you were talking shit pussy" and I said "No I didn't" and Holmes shoves me into the stall and proceeds to slap and punch me for what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably 20 seconds. When he was done, I looked up and saw everyone behind him just looking on with pleasure (its been 32 years and I can still see those smiles on their faces), and then I see Brett's face in the back with a giant smile on it...He wanted me to see him, because he wanted me to know he had gotten Holmes to beat me up over a tiger electronic game.
With all the bullying going on, I did have 1 guy who stood up for me whenever he saw someone picking on me, a guy named, umm lets call him Duffield. I didn't have any classes with him, but we were in the same grade and he probably saw it happen to me a few times and got sick of it. He would walk up to someone who was getting in my face to intimidate me, and get in their face and chase them away. He saved me like 4-5 times in 6th grade, until my friend Dominic met him. Me and Dom were in the Village Mall arcade playing Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat, and Duffield came in. We all took turns playing, and Dom and Duffield started arguing. Dom told him to step outside and fight, and they left the arcade as I was frozen in fear too scared to watch the fight (seeing fights made my anxiety go really high). I continued playing the game and they fought. Dominic was always fighting and he worked out all the time, so of course he won the fight. Duffield came walking back in all bloody and beaten and Dom was fine, except for Duffield's sister screaming in his ear as he came back to me in the arcade. Duffield never stood up for me again after that, but he never bullied me either, which was something I was afraid of after that fight.
7th grade (93/94) arrived and it was the same thing over again. One day I was hanging out with a friend named Adam behind a pizza place, and Dan and Tim came riding up on their bikes and saw me. I froze in terror as they got off their bikes and walked up to me. They saw me holding a pack of cigarettes (was holding them for Adam) and were like "you think you are cool or something?" and they made me take out a cig and light it and told me to inhale and if I coughed they were gonna punch me. I don't know how I did it, but I inhaled that horrible smoke and did not cough even a little bit. They got back on their bikes and left, but I'll never forget that fear I felt. Up to this point, its been mostly mental abuse from Dan and Tim, with a shove in the hallways once in a while, but in that moment I thought I was about to get beat up, and it terrified me. Another incident that year was at the local town Trailer Park. Me and Brian were playing on a rope swing with some other friends, and Dan and Tim came riding up on their bikes and I went from feeling good and happy, to feeling terrified instantly. They started yelling insults at me and dared me to come down from the tree, I just sat there silently for about 10 minutes until they left. My friend Andrea was there as well (read more about her in 'female nightmare' blog) and I felt like a complete coward after she saw that.
In November of 93, I went to see the movie 'Cool Runnings' with my friend Dominic, his Mom, and her boyfriend Scott (who I hated). We got popcorn and soda and sat near the front, about 4 rows back. His mom and Scott were behind us, maybe a row or 2. As we waited for the trailers to start (Ads were still playing), these 2 girls leaned forward and started flirting with Dom, and then they moved seats to get next to him. Girls were always approaching him, and basically falling in love with him constantly. I was only 12 at this point, but I was bullied badly, and girls were so mean to me that it was very hard for me to be comfortable around girls. He introduced me and they said hi to me and I said hey back, but I felt so nervous. After a few minutes sitting there, I had a panic attack and I got up after the movie started, and moved to a lone seat near the back of the theater. I didn't tell Dom where I was going, I just got up. I sat there the whole movie. After the movie ended I ran up to Dom as they were walking out of the building, and said I was in the arcade the whole time. Scott yelled at me and I just stayed quiet. Anxiety is a crazy powerful thing, and its made me do a lot of stupid things in my life.
93/94 was also around the time I got braces. My mom had a small cleaning company, and she worked out a deal with the dentist to clean his office to pay for them. She would take me with her to clean the place once a week, and I actually liked it. I got paid to empty trash cans and vacuum all the rooms. We did this for years, and one day as we pulled into the parking lot, I saw Holmes and a few guys walking by the building. I stayed in the car as she got out and opened the trunk and started unloading the cleaning equipment/supplies. I waited till they walked further away and then got out and did my thing. She yelled at me for not helping her unload, and she was mad the whole time we cleaned. At the end, I usually took the trash out to the bins outside, then I would take the bins to the curb, but I was scared that Holmes was outside still, so I refused to take the trash to the curb. She got even more pissed and told me if I didn't take them to the curb, she wasn't gonna bring me anymore. My fear of Holmes was so intense, I still refused to take the bins to the curb. When we got home, she told my dad, and he lectured and yelled at me for a while, and then told me I was done cleaning with her, and I got fired, and never cleaned with my mom again.
Anyway, back in school, one of the worse classes for me, was gym. Usually I felt safe in a classroom sitting at a desk, and mostly worried about being bullied in the halls between class, but gym was open season for nasty comments from Dan and Holmes and a few other people. I started cutting gym class one day, and after 3-4 days of sitting in the bathroom hiding, the vice principle called me to the office. He asked where I was during gym and I explained to him that I was hiding in the bathroom because I was being bullied. I didn't tell him about Dan (because I ran into him outside of school a lot and was just terrified of him) but I did tell him about Holmes and Kirby. My Finer says "I'm gonna have to call them into the office and talk to them about it" and I begged him not to, that it would only make things worse. He says "If the story is true, I have to ask them about it and try to put a stop to it, otherwise you will have to get ice house for a week" (ice house was in school suspension where you sat in a room for 8 hours), so I told him it was true, and he sent me back to class. I felt sick thinking about what was gonna happen after he confronted Holmes and Kirby. The next day Kirby came up to me and was like "Why did you tell Mr ***** that I bully you" and I said "I just said that to get out of trouble" and Kirby walked away. Maybe he didn't see it the way I did, maybe little comments here and there didn't seem like bullying to him, but it hurt me enough to make me hide. The following week I was walking from Math class to English class, and Dan shoved me really hard into a wall and I started crying a little bit. I watched as dozens and dozens of kids just ignored me and kept walking as I picked up my books and gathered myself. I made a decision that day to fail 7th grade to get away from Dan and Holmes, and I stuck with it (by not trying at all, and failing tests on purpose) and I successfully failed 7th grade...
In the summer of 94, I was walking with my friends Bill and Stephanie, when this car pulled up and a guy I knew named Milton, was in the back seat. He called Bill over to the car, and tried to take his hat. I went up to the window and said "Why you trying to take his hat, Milton?" and Milton said something but I couldn't hear. I didn't realize it but the driver of the car had gotten out, and came around the back of the car. As I pulled my head away from the window, I turned and saw a fist coming at me and *BAM*, I saw sparks and stumbled back. After a second or 2 I looked up and saw this 40-50 year old man (I was 14) and he was walking toward me again. He went to take a swing and I jumped back and he stopped short of hitting me and got back in the car, all the while mumbling something. I still see that fist from time to time as a flashback, and it always jolts me when the memory hits.
Repeat of 7th grade (94/95) arrives, and for the most part, it was a pretty good year. I was still feeling that anxiety every day, and getting up to go to school was rough, but I wasn't being bullied while at school so I was able to concentrate better. I made some new friends and started hanging out with them after school. We would just walk around the town, doing stupid things that teens do...nothing too bad. The previous year we were given a big science project (called "The Leaf Project") where we were suppose to collect leaves and document them, as well as grow a plant and document its growth. I spent 2 hours on the project the previous year, and failed with like a 20/100 score. This year I spent weeks working on it and got a B (86/100) and felt great about that.
Outside of school that year, I had a pretty horrible experience. I was hanging out with these 2 bothers named Ryan and Nathan (Ryan was 13, Nathan was 12). I had known them for years, and I thought of them as friends even though I didn't hang out with them much. We were playing in their backyard and there cousin Joe showed up. I never met him before, but he seemed cool as we chilled in the backyard. At one point Nathan comes up to me and says "we don't like Joe, he talks tough but hes just a pussy" and I'm like "oh, ok" and Nathan says "you should kick his ass and teach him not to talk trash", and I say "Nah hes not doing anything to me". We continue hanging out for a little longer, then Joe leaves with his mom. After hes gone, Ryan tells me "Joe said he could beat you in a fight", and I'm like "Really? Why?" and Ryan is like "He always talks trash about people, that's why we don't like him". They spent the next 2 weeks convincing me to fight this kid that I had only met once, and it was working. They told me they had my back if he decided to fight back, but they assured me he wouldn't fight back and that I would win easy. I believed them when they told me he was talking trash, and that I could win, so I started feeling like I should do it. I convinced myself that he deserved it for being nice to my face, but talking trash about me behind my back. I also felt tough for the first time in my life, and it was a little intoxicating to hear them saying positive things about me.
We were hanging out in their basement one day, and Joe showed up. As we played some video games, Nathan kept asking me to fight Joe before he went home, and I finally said "Ok". I felt confident and excited, and walked over to where he was sitting on the couch. I stood over top him and said "I heard you wanted to fight". Ryan and Nathan were standing behind me, and I felt pretty safe. Suddenly without saying a word, Joe jumps up and grabs me and throws me onto the couch and starts punching me. He continues hitting me as I am trying to block with my arms, but he kept hitting me in the jaw and it hurt like hell, plus it was terrifying and I was in full panic mode. I was able to get up, and I tried to go out the back door but Nathan stood there blocking it with a pleasurable smirk on his face. Joe kept hitting me as I went to the stairs to try and go up, but Ryan was standing on the first step, blocking them as well. After a few more hard punches to my head and face, I started crying and said something like "My mom is waiting for me I gotta get home", and Nathan moved and let me out the back door. I walked home with tears and blood running down my face, and in shock. I couldn't understand what had just happened, and I felt like such a pussy. For years I thought it was my fault and that the way I acted was the reason I got beat up that day, but I eventually realized those 2 brothers were evil little manipulating jerks and I wasn't completely to blame. Not sure if Joe was in on it, or if they did the same thing to him.
In the summer of 95, I was walking with my friend Dominic, when these 2 amazingly beautiful girls walk up to him, and give him these big passionate hugs. Having been bullied for years, and called ugly many times, I saw this and just felt heartbroken. I wanted girls to do that to me so bad, but they never did. He introduces me to them, and they look at me like I am gross...a look I got all the time from girls. They start to walk away, and he tells them "Hey, my friend Eric didn't get a hug" and they reluctantly walk over to me, and the one girl with long Brunette hair, puts her arms around me and her finger tips touch behind me, but no part of her actually touches me. It was such a horrible feeling, and such a heartless thing to do. It made me feel so ugly. After they walk away, Dom tells me the Blonde girl came over his house yesterday, knocked on his door and asked him to take her virginity and that they had amazing sex...I was already sick from what just happened, but hearing that just killed my soul. I felt so much pain in that moment, so much jealousy. I also felt an intense fear...I was scared that I would never know what that feels like to be wanted like that, and that fear came true. I have been rejected my whole life, and here am 32+ years later, feeling exactly the same way I did as a teenager. I am afraid I will have to go another 30 years having never felt love. Anyway, back to 1995...I was pissed at them for doing that, and I got even more depressed about the way I looked.
8th grade (95/96) was pretty much the same. I was still feeling anxiety every day but I wasn't fighting with my mom to stay home, I was actually getting up and going to school willingly. This was also the year of a giant blizzard that closed all the streets around my area for like 4 days. We got off from school for about a week, and I walked with a backpack to my friend Tim's house (like 4 miles in 2-3 feet of snow). I spent the week playing Killer Instinct on SNES over the internet using XBAND. It was fun, but people would rage quit constantly by disconnecting their phone line. I don't have much to add about this year, it was bully free for the most part like the previous year, and I got some of the best grades I've ever had because I wasn't constantly stressed out about walking the halls between class. After the school year, something started to happen to me that summer of 1996. I noticed my hair on the left and right side of my forehead was starting to ride up and only a patch in the middle was growing, so I started wearing a hat all the time. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a receding hairline...I was starting to go bald at only 15 years old...
9th grade (96/97) sent me right back into hell again. I was now in High School and I saw Dan and Holmes on the first day in the cafeteria where all the students gathered. I had 2 years of peace away from these assholes, and now I suddenly felt terrified and stressed all over again. They were 1 grade ahead of me, but as I quickly learned, this high school doesn't separate grades. I was put in classes with 9th, 10th, 11th and even 12th graders. On top of that, my hairline was weird looking and I felt like a freak walking around without a hat on. The second week of High School I was walking to Math class after lunch, and I saw Dan heading to the cafeteria. He was on the opposite side of the large open hallway in the distance, but as he got closer, he moved over to my side and hit me with his shoulder really hard. I didn't say or do anything and just kept walking, but it got me really upset and I felt myself getting more depressed. I started to think about suicide on a daily basis. One of my ideas was to slit my wrists, but I was afraid of the pain. Another idea I had was to jump off the roof of a local store near me, called Bradlees, but I wasn't sure if it was high enough for the fall to kill me.
I spent all of 9th grade depressed and angry and suicidal. I would go to school and walk around with my ugly receding hairline, wishing I could wear a hat, then when I got home, all I could think about was killing myself to escape this hell. This went on the whole school year, and when summer came, I went back to being happy again. I spent most of that summer playing one of my favorite video games of all time, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. I had a hat on every second that I was awake, and could not be in a room with people without it being on my head. I had this ugly patch of hair in the front, and was bold around it. It was so nasty and made me look 20 years older then I was. As the summer started to end, I was feeling worse and worse as the first day of school approached.
10th grade (97/98) By this point I was shaving the patch on the front of my forehead, and using an electric razor on the rest of my head, but the baldness was still very noticeable. I watched every day as girls gave me angry disgusted looks, and sometimes even nasty comments. I was walking past a study hall room, and this Puerto Rican girl was at the door waiting for the bell to ring. I actually had a huge crush on her, but I never talked to her, and didn't even know her name. She looks at me and goes "Ew that is the ugliest boy in this school" and I just felt this anger and pain as a few girls near the door also looked on with disgust and laughed. That was the single most painful moment I experienced in school. All my bad memories from that year are of girls calling me ugly or just moving away from me and saying "Eww" (my initials, remember?). All the bullying I endured before from guys, was nothing compared to this year and being bullied by girls, it was hell. My hair was gone before the end of 10th grade, and I was completely bald...to make things worse, as the summer approached, my parents forced me to get a Job, and so I didn't even have summer to look forward to...
Summer of 98, I am 17 and working my first full time hourly job. I just came off the worst school year of my life, and was now working at Sam's Club, pushing carts. This store was so big and busy, they had 3 full time cart pushers to collect the carts around the parking lot. I worked 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, pushing rows of carts around the parking lot of this massive warehouse store. I was sore every day, especially in my feet...all that on top of being depressed about not having a summer to relax and unwind. This was the first time a summer didn't relieve me of depression. On top of feeling like shit every day, I didn't see my friends very often because of my work hours. Within a few weeks of working my first job, I realized I also felt the same at work, as I did at school. I got nasty looks from girls, and I felt awkward and uncomfortable talking to people. I was in a constant state of anxiety every day during school, and now my summer is the same thing. I really couldn't see myself living life this way, and just got more and more depressed as the summer started to end and the next school year approached. My friends were also being dicks for some reason. They would call me and tell me they were gonna pick me up at my house and I would stand out front waiting, only to have them drive by and yell some insults, and keep going. I figured they were bored and just being stupid, but they kept doing it. One time they even showed up at my work and drove around me yelling insults and doing burnouts in the parking lot shortly before closing hours. It started to feel like they weren't my friends anymore...
11th Grade (98/99) arrives, and I'm just a complete mess. I have to go to school, and then I have to work 30 hours a week on top of that. I'm extremely depressed and to make things worse...Well, I mentioned my best friend Brian earlier, you see, he just started 9th grade this year and was now in my school with me. On the first day, I went to the lunchroom for my scheduled hour, and I saw Brian had the same hour as me. I got my lunch and went to his table where he was sitting with some other people that I knew and was comfortable with. As I sat down, I could see the anxiety on their faces, and they tell me the table is full and there is no room for me. I point out that there are plenty of free seats, and they say "everyone's not here yet, its only the first day, but all the seats are already filled and taken"...so I move to an empty table next to their table, and I eat my lunch alone. I watch as Brian and everyone else ignored me while they ate, and I just felt dead inside. The problem was, they were scared to sit with me and become targets themselves...and I don't blame them. They saw how terrible I had it, and they were terrified to experience the same thing. That is how much I was hated and bullied. Even the people who didn't bully me, hated me because of how uncomfortable they felt around me. This went on for a few days, I sat and ate lunch alone as I watched my only friend ignore me, then on the 4th day of 11th grade, a kid came up to me on the bus ride home, and ripped my hat off my head saying "Dude your bald? let me see". I knew at that moment, I couldn't take anymore...I got home and went straight to my room to figure out how to "end it all". I didn't want to feel pain, but I didn't have any quick easy way to do it. As I laid there in bed crying I had an epiphany...Why don't I just drop out of school instead of dying? And so the 4th day of 11th grade was the last day I went to school...A few weeks later, I quit my job at Sam's Club, and buried myself in my room for about a year. I didn't know at the time, but I went into my adult life with a severe anxiety disorder called "Agoraphobia"...
